Det. Carmen Romero’s Advice to Mankind
as told to a very scared intern
Detective Romero has asked me to translate this article (warning) so that you can better be prepared in case of a zombie apocalypse. He isn’t always clear so it’s hard to completely understand him. He’s only clear after he drinks his “coffee” or has a “snack.” Suffice it to say, I don’t like to be around Det. Romero when he’s hungry.
This is what Det. Romero wants to tell you…
First of all, if there’s a Zombie Apocalypse (we prefer the term Enlightened Transition), you probably were asking for it. Look at what you’ve done to the Earth. There’s pollution, too many viral videos involving surprised pets, long bangs and Fred Figglehorn.
I’m not saying that we really want to take over the world because we like our leisure time and the stress of running things makes everyone cranky. All work and no eating brains makes Jack a… okay, now I’m hungry again.
Plus, we tend to fight amongst ourselves when the food supply runs low. Then there’s the smell. Don’t get me started on the smell.
But… we do have a plan in case you all get out of hand and more hoity toity than you already are.
I must say that I am conflicted because I’m a peace officer and sworn to uphold the law. However, if that law were to be compromised, I see some slippage in its interpretation.
I really don’t want to freak you guys out but if we do ever gather in mass around the world, well, you’re supper. No offense and nothing personal really. See, we are nature’s balance. And not to burst your bubble, it’s happened before. We just wait it out and let you get comfortable for a few centuries or so and then… BAM!
I think you also know deep down that we are going to win. Your films do feature the hero taking quite a few of us down but in the end, Bill Murray dies and you’re still running for your lives.
I’ve read many of your “Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guides” and although I find them amusing, you should take me seriously when I say that most of these are founded in silliness and will get you munched upon.
So in the interest of leveling the playing field for the coming Enlightened Transition, here’s a few pointers from our point of view for saving your bacon:
The depiction of zombies in your movies and TV programs is not accurate. You know how Europeans watch American TV and think that we’re all fat hillbillies who marry our cousins?
That’s how it is in the zombie world. For some reason, your writers and filmmakers have only been exposed to one type of redneck zombie. Trust me when I say that this will be your undoing.
We are not dumb. And… we are legion.
That head shot thing is not a thing. We can still survive.
Don’t gather in groups so much. It’s like a Texas BBQ cook-off. We can smell you from miles away.
What’s with the shopping malls? We do have a few who enjoy their Juicy or Forever 21s but you’re probably safe there for a while.
But do avoid the Mac store. We love those.
One thing that you have gotten right especially in your Zombieland film… cardio is important. We’ve got our share of slobs but you’ve got to be on your toes, pal. We have quite a few on our side who can run faster than Usain Bolt so hit that gym and eat your Wheaties.
We don’t really want to kill you. Now and again, someone will get out of line and go too far but on the main, we’d simply like to recruit you. Make sense?
We go for the hot girls last. We date the smart girls. We turn the strongest of you. We have been known to reject many of your political leaders and pop stars. So hide out in their houses. But now that I’ve told you that, we’ll probably look there first.
I hope that you all calm down and learn to love the planet more and be nicer to each other and celebrate the good things you do.
If you don’t, well, in the words of Bruce Campbell in that situation… run.